A very complex question has come
into my life lately and it is one that will provide a lot of answers for me
that I honestly have a hard time being patient for.
Here it is – what is the driving force behind my lust?
I have a degree in biology and
started off my undergrad studies in engineering. I have come to understand that
scientifically (physics) there are general laws that govern this earthly life. One
of such is that when an object is in motion then that object will stay in
motion until acted upon by another force (thanks Newton!). My thoughts are also
very complex and come from a brilliant gift (the human brain/mind) that has yet
to even be understood in the least bit of how it can do all that it does. Here I
am referring specifically to what Dr. Hilton talks about in his book “He
Restoreth my Soul”. Here he actually
quotes David Noonan,
“And if that which
is human is also somehow divine, then nervous tissue is both the means of the
miracle and the miracle itself. Complex
beyond man’s understanding, the human nervous system is the most sophisticated
arrangement of cells that exists.” (David Noonan, Neuro – Life on the
frontlines of Brain Surgery and Neurological Medicine, Ballantine books, 1989, 1-2.)
So essentially I am
trying to ask what was the force that acted upon my mind initially to start
this addiction in my life? and what has that driving force become? How has it
evolved? Although I do have a degree in
biology I know that I am no doctor and I don’t consider myself to be the
typical scientist that people think of when that they say “scientist.” However,
these are some of the personal revelations and thoughts that I have for the
question on hand.
Disclaimer: These things pertain to me and my addictions.
For every addict they will be similar and different in many ways I am sure.
Also know that these are thoughts and revelations that I continue to work with.
They are not by any means concrete or definite, rather they are a starting
point for me to begin to challenge my addiction that has been in motion so that
I can put an acting force in its path that will change my thoughts directions
from addict to priesthood man (as described in the book “Men of Valor” by Dr.
Millet)
Thoughts:
I am
stuck as a 9 year old in many aspects, okay I am a 9 year old in a 28 year old’s
body, literally (honesty can be tough sometimes J).
When I was younger I started my sex addictions out of interest and curiosity,
but that was very short lived. I soon began to use my addictions as an escape
from the real world, it was a reality check out for me. My parents had recently
gone through a divorce/ were in the process of. I was also a very insecure boy
that had a lot of questions and was also becoming very passive aggressive. I
began to see that there were things in my life that were getting hard. I had
recently been baptized and was now needing to accept responsibility for my actions.
That was something very foreign to me and I had heard about repenting in
primary, but I was still a kid and honestly I had an interest in God, but the
adversary had some things for me that I found more interesting and easier. This
has been one of my pitfalls, EASY. I can see now that even at that young age I was
always looking for a few things in my life:
1. The easy way to do things
2. Keep people happy and they don’t ask hard questions (easy)
3. Do what you have to so that you can get by (easiest thing to do so
that I can survive another day).
Well it looks like those
3 things can still be condensed into one word, EASY. As I struggled through
life as a scrawny awkward boy I can see that I gravitated toward my dad and
latched onto everything he did. I don’t know if he realizes how much of my
superhero that he was. However, I began to grab onto some of his pitfalls more
tightly than I did his AMAZING attributes. This is something that I did on my
own, I need people to know and realize that it is not my dad’s fault,
nor is it anyone else’s fault that I am a sex addict and have caused the damage
that I have. Back on track – One thing that I grabbed on to was being passive aggressive.
I began to really hold things in and back from the world. This is where I began
to really question and resent God, as well as others, this is where I began the
blame game. This has since become my driving force behind my addictions, blame
and resentment. Anytime that I have acted out in my addictions it was because
things were hard and I began to blame everyone else for everything. I used to
wet the bed and still do at times as a grown man, this is very challenging and
emotionally devastating at times (not sure why I’m sharing this and it’s kind
of weird and awkward but I felt that I should). I share this because I have
blamed water before for my problems! I guess that’s why I share this. Is so
that I can see that I have blamed literally almost everything, even water! (That’s
so silly now that I see that, I’m actually laughing about it right now, crazy!).
As I have mentioned
l was able to abstain from my addictions for a part of my mission, things were
going well it was hard to blame when you’re following the mission rules.
However, I began to struggle when on my mission I faced a huge trigger, the
shower(where I served there wasn't a hot shower like there is in the states,
until I just happened to have the one of two areas in the whole mission that
had one). Heavenly Father presented me with an opportunity to face and begin to
overcome my addictions, but I didn't take it, I chose to fall back. I began to
blame and the rest of my mission was a struggle.
After I got back
from my mission I sought help from some of my leaders, but they didn't know how
to help and as the real world was coming down around me and things were getting
hard again I stopped doing the things that I knew I should do, I began to blame
God again for my challenges and problems and most of all I began to blame
myself for what I was doing. This has always been my solutions before Blaming
myself and God, then act out and have some “relief” from the world. Once I met
my wife I had really hoped for great changes. I was so in love that I could
find no fault in her, but was still able to blame myself. While we dated I still
struggled but near as much as I had in the past. I was also talking to my
leaders and they were telling me it would all be okay, but I knew deep down
that it wouldn't, I had heard these things before and I had been through the
roller coaster of addictions already for 10 years previous, I knew they were
wrong but was afraid and it was hard, so I just continued to blame.
Shortly after being
married I can see that my wife is the greatest person in my life. I have become
closer to her than I have anyone else. She is someone that I have wanted to
truly become one with, the only problem with that was that I am a sex addict. I
began to blame her for everything, as if she was me! It is crazy to see that I still
have times where I am blaming her and me at the same time! It’s like trying to
distinguish lust from love as a sex addict. I have mixed the two for so long
and wanted so badly to have the easy way out that I have not been able to find
a solution.
This is my underlying drive for my
addictions, ease and blame. Why do I blame myself and my wife? It is easier
than accepting responsibility. Why do I blame my wife? Because she is me and I am
her. Why do I look for the easy thing? Satan has fooled into thinking that
somehow that is the straight and narrow path.
Solutions:
My new motto in life “Do the hard thing”. You can see the hard things that I am
doing in my blame game post. Please just know that for any addict these are
just starting points, there will come more hard things to do in my life as I progress
and some I do now even though they are not listed, such as: home teaching,
exercising the priesthood, accepting responsibility daily for my actions, etc.
this list is huge, but for now I focus on those three things because they are
pulling me out from the depths of Hell and bringing me closer to my savior than
I have ever truly been and that is what I want. I want to do God’s will and I
want to be so close to God’s will that I become closer to and even one with my
wife. I want to know God’s will so well that I can be an eternal father for my
children whom I love and cherish so much! I want to know God’s will so well
that I can be like him! This is my quest and my journey and this is a small
start to those great things to come!!
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