looking for understanding

      I haven't posted for a long time but here's a couple of things. Last night in a conversation of deep and heavy things with my wife we ended on this note. I have felt calm, confident, clear mindedness and even like i am gaining understanding. My wife has felt confused, hurt, unheard and like I am emotionless. She shared this video with me to help express how she was feeling. I love my wife, her honesty, openness, and frankness. She does not beat around the bush.

      I have watched this video several times today and really felt an awful pit in my stomach. I started feeling like what is wrong with me? What have I done wrong? What am I doing wrong? I started reaching out to another person but felt like I needed to do some more research first, so I watched the video again several more times and created this list:

My wife feels like what is happening here? When they don’t get the normal reaction then they respond with negative reactions – they turn away, they feel the stress of it, they may lose control of their posture, she screams(come on why aren’t we doing this?)

The good , bad and ugly

Good – normal stuff that we do that goes on with our kids

Bad – when something bad happens but the traumatized person can overcome it – when you stop the still face then things can be normal

Ugly – no chance( you don’t the child any chance to get back to the good)

Normal – clear, responsive. Emotionally content

      So after this video and taking these notes I wanted to see and learn more so I found this video(skip ahead to the 2 minute mark unless you want to watch the introductory part).

I then took these notes.

When things aren’t working then the child becomes emotionally agitated,

finally she just gives up, when they fail, they fail with a sense of helplessness and a loss of control.

1. The meaning of the event is the emotion that the person feels in relationship to this breaking of the connection in relationship to the other person. This is a fearful and frightening thing, the other person will feel like they do a lot to overcome it(because they often do everything that they can).

Other responses of older children to this disconnection

               The first child in the video does all that he can but when he fails he falls apart dramatically, just like the younger child

               The  second child(another type of reaction). Distraught, more and more insistent, and even physical( he hits her with plastic dinosaur to try and get her to snap out of it).

When reengagement happens then the connection is re-established. When this happened with the second child he went back to his normal self

Children are resilient and breaks in close connection happen all the time in everyday life.

What then usually takes place in GOOD relationships is this reconnection.

We know now that maybe only 20 – 30% of the time is this emotional relationship in perfect harmony. The rest of the time it is in sync, out of sync, getting back into sync

2. That is what I really think is the key process getting back into sync

Dr. Tronick thinks the process of disconnect and reconnect is not only normal, but positive.

When you reconnect one of the things that can happen, not always, but some of the time, is that you create something new.

3. If you create something new, you grow

      These videos have really helped me to better understand some of the things that my wife is going through. I'm striving to walk more in her shoes and see the things the way that she does. the number one for me above helps me to understand what my wife has gone through and is going through. numbers 2 and 3 are how i have seen things for our conversation. 

      I hope to better understand her pain, emotions, and trauma. I have much work to do still to improve but I continue to press forward, one day at a time.

60 means nothing

Just this last Saturday I went to the local SA meeting. It was my 60^th day of sobriety from sex with self and continual victory over lust(and objectification).  I was very torn of whether or not to even take to the 60 day chip from the program. It was very exciting the first time that I went and I was able to get a chip for 24 hours. It is quiet strange though now to get to this point of 60 days and wonder if I want the stupid chip or not. So I battled back and forth of whether or not to take the dumb thing. I battled whether or not I would even share with anyone else there that I had reached the 60 day point of sobriety in my recovery. I felt torn because I was proud. However, I have seen that the 60 days really doesn’t mean anything.

            I remember hearing a story of a man that got his one year chip of sobriety. He took it home to his wife and she told him that she could shove that chip where sun doesn’t shine (basically). I thought that was pretty heartless and mean, because that chip meant everything to that man. It is hard to understand this whole situation from everyone’s different point of views. Here is a man that struggled to remain sober his whole life and has finally achieved a year of it and not only did he do that, but he received some recognition and validation for what he had done. Crazy to think that only a silly little chip could mean so much to that man, honestly that chip is worthless to anyone else that isn’t in a recovery program. They probably couldn’t even resell it in any way if they wanted to. However, to that man it was a representation of HIS blood, sweat, tears, prayers, humility, determination, and righteous desires. It was a small token and gesture that he earned and paid more for than anything else in his life! It cost more to him than his entire home, cars, or other fancy earthly possessions. At one point he was even losing his family I’m sure, but that price has been recovered with his new found life and sobriety.

            On the other hand we have the wife’s point of view. He has taken years away from her life. She has probably seen more of his ups and downs than she ever thought she would have to experience. Here is a woman that is still motion sick from all of these ups and downs. Here is a woman that has invested so much and been given so little in return. Here is a woman that has stood strong for the years that he hurt and betrayed her. However, no one ever gave her any chip. No one ever gave her any recognition for what she has accomplished. I’d imagine that for wives of addicts everywhere they are somewhat excited for their husbands to be in recovery, but honestly the days of sobriety just don’t matter. Honestly, who cares? What does 60 days of sobriety mean if there still isn’t any visible change? Who cares if he attends meetings? Who cares if he is going through the 12 step program? I don’t know that any of these things really matter because we live in a fast paced world and all that really matters are the results. That is all that we want in our lives, results. We want to see the change. We want to see the differences that are long lasting. We don’t want some little firework show in recovery damn it! We want a roaring bon fire that just keeps growing and growing until it consumes everything around it and continues to grow without end! We don’t want some stupid chip that says that someone has been sober for a certain amount of time because time has already been lost! Time has been taken and it can’t be given back. Something so precious and valuable beyond our understanding, virtue, has been devalued and trampled on by pigs who take no thought for the value of what is under their feet. Men, we have hurt these sisters in ways that unless we pray and ask for that miracle of understanding, we will never know such a pain. Unless we seek to feel and find that truth, we can’t fathom the damage, heart ache, and fear that we have put into these women’s lives. No we are not bad men, but yes we have been to the depths of hell and dragged the virtue of women there, we have sunk the lives our wives by allowing the fiery darts of the adversary into our lives. However, there is HOPE! It is our savior and our Heavenly Father’s promise that through him we can be restored in this life. It is a promise that others have as well if they turn to him. Just like our wives can’t save us, we can’t save them. Just as they can’t heal us, we can’t heal them.

            I accepted that 60 day chip the other day. I even told my wife about it. I was somewhat excited, but sad at the same time because I DON’T WANT A DAMN CHIP ANYMORE! Instead I want to find financial security so that I can provide for my family, I want my wife to be able to trust me again without ever having to doubt (this may not ever happen, I don’t know), I want so much more than what I have. I must be patient though because it is not about what I want. Truly it is about what God wants. Whether that entails financial security(according to my terms) or not, I don’t know yet. I do know that God does desire for me to return to him, he does want me to be his faithful servant, and he does want me to bring my whole family back as well. I accepted that chip last Saturday and I have continued to battle over what it means if anything for me since there has been no consistent visible changes of action. I do know that it is a stepping stone to where Heavenly Father wants me to be and that is great but really it is not near as fulfilling as it will be when I can feel and receive a validation from the one that I love so much even though I have hurt her worse than anyone else. It is all sad with glimmers of hope, but it is not the end….. to be continued with more thoughts.