looking for understanding

      I haven't posted for a long time but here's a couple of things. Last night in a conversation of deep and heavy things with my wife we ended on this note. I have felt calm, confident, clear mindedness and even like i am gaining understanding. My wife has felt confused, hurt, unheard and like I am emotionless. She shared this video with me to help express how she was feeling. I love my wife, her honesty, openness, and frankness. She does not beat around the bush.

      I have watched this video several times today and really felt an awful pit in my stomach. I started feeling like what is wrong with me? What have I done wrong? What am I doing wrong? I started reaching out to another person but felt like I needed to do some more research first, so I watched the video again several more times and created this list:

My wife feels like what is happening here? When they don’t get the normal reaction then they respond with negative reactions – they turn away, they feel the stress of it, they may lose control of their posture, she screams(come on why aren’t we doing this?)

The good , bad and ugly

Good – normal stuff that we do that goes on with our kids

Bad – when something bad happens but the traumatized person can overcome it – when you stop the still face then things can be normal

Ugly – no chance( you don’t the child any chance to get back to the good)

Normal – clear, responsive. Emotionally content

      So after this video and taking these notes I wanted to see and learn more so I found this video(skip ahead to the 2 minute mark unless you want to watch the introductory part).

I then took these notes.

When things aren’t working then the child becomes emotionally agitated,

finally she just gives up, when they fail, they fail with a sense of helplessness and a loss of control.

1. The meaning of the event is the emotion that the person feels in relationship to this breaking of the connection in relationship to the other person. This is a fearful and frightening thing, the other person will feel like they do a lot to overcome it(because they often do everything that they can).

Other responses of older children to this disconnection

               The first child in the video does all that he can but when he fails he falls apart dramatically, just like the younger child

               The  second child(another type of reaction). Distraught, more and more insistent, and even physical( he hits her with plastic dinosaur to try and get her to snap out of it).

When reengagement happens then the connection is re-established. When this happened with the second child he went back to his normal self

Children are resilient and breaks in close connection happen all the time in everyday life.

What then usually takes place in GOOD relationships is this reconnection.

We know now that maybe only 20 – 30% of the time is this emotional relationship in perfect harmony. The rest of the time it is in sync, out of sync, getting back into sync

2. That is what I really think is the key process getting back into sync

Dr. Tronick thinks the process of disconnect and reconnect is not only normal, but positive.

When you reconnect one of the things that can happen, not always, but some of the time, is that you create something new.

3. If you create something new, you grow

      These videos have really helped me to better understand some of the things that my wife is going through. I'm striving to walk more in her shoes and see the things the way that she does. the number one for me above helps me to understand what my wife has gone through and is going through. numbers 2 and 3 are how i have seen things for our conversation. 

      I hope to better understand her pain, emotions, and trauma. I have much work to do still to improve but I continue to press forward, one day at a time.

60 means nothing

Just this last Saturday I went to the local SA meeting. It was my 60^th day of sobriety from sex with self and continual victory over lust(and objectification).  I was very torn of whether or not to even take to the 60 day chip from the program. It was very exciting the first time that I went and I was able to get a chip for 24 hours. It is quiet strange though now to get to this point of 60 days and wonder if I want the stupid chip or not. So I battled back and forth of whether or not to take the dumb thing. I battled whether or not I would even share with anyone else there that I had reached the 60 day point of sobriety in my recovery. I felt torn because I was proud. However, I have seen that the 60 days really doesn’t mean anything.

            I remember hearing a story of a man that got his one year chip of sobriety. He took it home to his wife and she told him that she could shove that chip where sun doesn’t shine (basically). I thought that was pretty heartless and mean, because that chip meant everything to that man. It is hard to understand this whole situation from everyone’s different point of views. Here is a man that struggled to remain sober his whole life and has finally achieved a year of it and not only did he do that, but he received some recognition and validation for what he had done. Crazy to think that only a silly little chip could mean so much to that man, honestly that chip is worthless to anyone else that isn’t in a recovery program. They probably couldn’t even resell it in any way if they wanted to. However, to that man it was a representation of HIS blood, sweat, tears, prayers, humility, determination, and righteous desires. It was a small token and gesture that he earned and paid more for than anything else in his life! It cost more to him than his entire home, cars, or other fancy earthly possessions. At one point he was even losing his family I’m sure, but that price has been recovered with his new found life and sobriety.

            On the other hand we have the wife’s point of view. He has taken years away from her life. She has probably seen more of his ups and downs than she ever thought she would have to experience. Here is a woman that is still motion sick from all of these ups and downs. Here is a woman that has invested so much and been given so little in return. Here is a woman that has stood strong for the years that he hurt and betrayed her. However, no one ever gave her any chip. No one ever gave her any recognition for what she has accomplished. I’d imagine that for wives of addicts everywhere they are somewhat excited for their husbands to be in recovery, but honestly the days of sobriety just don’t matter. Honestly, who cares? What does 60 days of sobriety mean if there still isn’t any visible change? Who cares if he attends meetings? Who cares if he is going through the 12 step program? I don’t know that any of these things really matter because we live in a fast paced world and all that really matters are the results. That is all that we want in our lives, results. We want to see the change. We want to see the differences that are long lasting. We don’t want some little firework show in recovery damn it! We want a roaring bon fire that just keeps growing and growing until it consumes everything around it and continues to grow without end! We don’t want some stupid chip that says that someone has been sober for a certain amount of time because time has already been lost! Time has been taken and it can’t be given back. Something so precious and valuable beyond our understanding, virtue, has been devalued and trampled on by pigs who take no thought for the value of what is under their feet. Men, we have hurt these sisters in ways that unless we pray and ask for that miracle of understanding, we will never know such a pain. Unless we seek to feel and find that truth, we can’t fathom the damage, heart ache, and fear that we have put into these women’s lives. No we are not bad men, but yes we have been to the depths of hell and dragged the virtue of women there, we have sunk the lives our wives by allowing the fiery darts of the adversary into our lives. However, there is HOPE! It is our savior and our Heavenly Father’s promise that through him we can be restored in this life. It is a promise that others have as well if they turn to him. Just like our wives can’t save us, we can’t save them. Just as they can’t heal us, we can’t heal them.

            I accepted that 60 day chip the other day. I even told my wife about it. I was somewhat excited, but sad at the same time because I DON’T WANT A DAMN CHIP ANYMORE! Instead I want to find financial security so that I can provide for my family, I want my wife to be able to trust me again without ever having to doubt (this may not ever happen, I don’t know), I want so much more than what I have. I must be patient though because it is not about what I want. Truly it is about what God wants. Whether that entails financial security(according to my terms) or not, I don’t know yet. I do know that God does desire for me to return to him, he does want me to be his faithful servant, and he does want me to bring my whole family back as well. I accepted that chip last Saturday and I have continued to battle over what it means if anything for me since there has been no consistent visible changes of action. I do know that it is a stepping stone to where Heavenly Father wants me to be and that is great but really it is not near as fulfilling as it will be when I can feel and receive a validation from the one that I love so much even though I have hurt her worse than anyone else. It is all sad with glimmers of hope, but it is not the end….. to be continued with more thoughts.

Lift my life up

I was given this song by a great friend the other day and I have absolutely loved it and am feeling these lyrics become burned onto my heart. This is a big deal for me to share this as well because I have never been a big fan of Christian music that is not Mormon Tabernacle choir. Mostly because I have been judgmental, stubborn and prideful. I have also thought there could be no good from something that isn't produced by the church - i am wrong and working on repenting of that as well :). Here is that great song though.

Why do I lust?(beware a HUGE post)

A very complex question has come into my life lately and it is one that will provide a lot of answers for me that I honestly have a hard time being patient for.

Here it is – what is the driving force behind my lust?

I have a degree in biology and started off my undergrad studies in engineering. I have come to understand that scientifically (physics) there are general laws that govern this earthly life. One of such is that when an object is in motion then that object will stay in motion until acted upon by another force (thanks Newton!). My thoughts are also very complex and come from a brilliant gift (the human brain/mind) that has yet to even be understood in the least bit of how it can do all that it does. Here I am referring specifically to what Dr. Hilton talks about in his book “He Restoreth my Soul”.  Here he actually quotes David Noonan,

“And if that which is human is also somehow divine, then nervous tissue is both the means of the miracle and the miracle itself. Complex beyond man’s understanding, the human nervous system is the most sophisticated arrangement of cells that exists.” (David Noonan, Neuro – Life on the frontlines of Brain Surgery and Neurological Medicine,  Ballantine books, 1989, 1-2.)

                    So essentially I am trying to ask what was the force that acted upon my mind initially to start this addiction in my life? and what has that driving force become? How has it evolved?  Although I do have a degree in biology I know that I am no doctor and I don’t consider myself to be the typical scientist that people think of when that they say “scientist.” However, these are some of the personal revelations and thoughts that I have for the question on hand.

Disclaimer:  These things pertain to me and my addictions. For every addict they will be similar and different in many ways I am sure. Also know that these are thoughts and revelations that I continue to work with. They are not by any means concrete or definite, rather they are a starting point for me to begin to challenge my addiction that has been in motion so that I can put an acting force in its path that will change my thoughts directions from addict to priesthood man (as described in the book “Men of Valor” by Dr. Millet)

Thoughts:

               I am stuck as a 9 year old in many aspects, okay I am a 9 year old in a 28 year old’s body, literally (honesty can be tough sometimes J). When I was younger I started my sex addictions out of interest and curiosity, but that was very short lived. I soon began to use my addictions as an escape from the real world, it was a reality check out for me. My parents had recently gone through a divorce/ were in the process of. I was also a very insecure boy that had a lot of questions and was also becoming very passive aggressive. I began to see that there were things in my life that were getting hard. I had recently been baptized and was now needing to accept responsibility for my actions. That was something very foreign to me and I had heard about repenting in primary, but I was still a kid and honestly I had an interest in God, but the adversary had some things for me that I found more interesting and easier. This has been one of my pitfalls, EASY. I can see now that even at that young age I was always looking for a few things in my life:

1. The easy way to do things

2. Keep people happy and they don’t ask hard questions (easy)

3. Do what you have to so that you can get by (easiest thing to do so that I can survive another day).

               Well it looks like those 3 things can still be condensed into one word, EASY. As I struggled through life as a scrawny awkward boy I can see that I gravitated toward my dad and latched onto everything he did. I don’t know if he realizes how much of my superhero that he was. However, I began to grab onto some of his pitfalls more tightly than I did his AMAZING attributes. This is something that I did on my own, I need people to know and realize that it is not my dad’s fault, nor is it anyone else’s fault that I am a sex addict and have caused the damage that I have. Back on track – One thing that I grabbed on to was being passive aggressive. I began to really hold things in and back from the world. This is where I began to really question and resent God, as well as others, this is where I began the blame game. This has since become my driving force behind my addictions, blame and resentment. Anytime that I have acted out in my addictions it was because things were hard and I began to blame everyone else for everything. I used to wet the bed and still do at times as a grown man, this is very challenging and emotionally devastating at times (not sure why I’m sharing this and it’s kind of weird and awkward but I felt that I should). I share this because I have blamed water before for my problems! I guess that’s why I share this. Is so that I can see that I have blamed literally almost everything, even water! (That’s so silly now that I see that, I’m actually laughing about it right now, crazy!).

               As I have mentioned l was able to abstain from my addictions for a part of my mission, things were going well it was hard to blame when you’re following the mission rules. However, I began to struggle when on my mission I faced a huge trigger, the shower(where I served there wasn't a hot shower like there is in the states, until I just happened to have the one of two areas in the whole mission that had one). Heavenly Father presented me with an opportunity to face and begin to overcome my addictions, but I didn't take it, I chose to fall back. I began to blame and the rest of my mission was a struggle.

               After I got back from my mission I sought help from some of my leaders, but they didn't know how to help and as the real world was coming down around me and things were getting hard again I stopped doing the things that I knew I should do, I began to blame God again for my challenges and problems and most of all I began to blame myself for what I was doing. This has always been my solutions before Blaming myself and God, then act out and have some “relief” from the world. Once I met my wife I had really hoped for great changes. I was so in love that I could find no fault in her, but was still able to blame myself. While we dated I still struggled but near as much as I had in the past. I was also talking to my leaders and they were telling me it would all be okay, but I knew deep down that it wouldn't, I had heard these things before and I had been through the roller coaster of addictions already for 10 years previous, I knew they were wrong but was afraid and it was hard, so I just continued to blame.

               Shortly after being married I can see that my wife is the greatest person in my life. I have become closer to her than I have anyone else. She is someone that I have wanted to truly become one with, the only problem with that was that I am a sex addict. I began to blame her for everything, as if she was me! It is crazy to see that I still have times where I am blaming her and me at the same time! It’s like trying to distinguish lust from love as a sex addict. I have mixed the two for so long and wanted so badly to have the easy way out that I have not been able to find a solution.

               This is my underlying drive for my addictions, ease and blame. Why do I blame myself and my wife? It is easier than accepting responsibility. Why do I blame my wife? Because she is me and I am her. Why do I look for the easy thing? Satan has fooled into thinking that somehow that is the straight and narrow path.

               Solutions: My new motto in life “Do the hard thing”. You can see the hard things that I am doing in my blame game post. Please just know that for any addict these are just starting points, there will come more hard things to do in my life as I progress and some I do now even though they are not listed, such as: home teaching, exercising the priesthood, accepting responsibility daily for my actions, etc. this list is huge, but for now I focus on those three things because they are pulling me out from the depths of Hell and bringing me closer to my savior than I have ever truly been and that is what I want. I want to do God’s will and I want to be so close to God’s will that I become closer to and even one with my wife. I want to know God’s will so well that I can be an eternal father for my children whom I love and cherish so much! I want to know God’s will so well that I can be like him! This is my quest and my journey and this is a small start to those great things to come!!

Blame Game and three things to help any addict succeed

            The other day my wife and I went and met with the counselor. It was going well and the general counsel was that I need to take responsibility for my actions and the consequences that have come from that. I thought okay, but I knew that I needed to talk to the counselor alone so I asked my wife to leave. As I spoke with the counselor alone I started to unleash and point out to him different things that my wife has done and how she’s still being emotionally abusive to me. In conclusion he felt like he understood and he agreed with me(but he was wrong). So we decided that I would write her a letter about what I was observing and how I felt that I would basically accept responsibility for some things and not everything. This is not what the counselor and I determined, but looking back I can see that this was my goal in telling him the things that I did and it was also my goal in deceiving him to believe that my wife had major issues too and she need to be put in her place.

            Long story short, I didn’t write the letter, instead I talked to her right after we left the counselor. From there I ended up yelling and cussing at her how everything was her fault still and that I’m doing the best that I can. She cried and pointed out the truth that I was still blaming her. At this point I wasn’t too happy because I thought she totally missed the point of what I was saying. We both left in different vehicles, which is crazy because initially we were going to ride over together. I was able at this time to talk with a dear friend(after calling the counselor right away and thinking your advice sucks and then also calling my bishop, amazing man!). My dear friend helped me to talk things out. After our talk I was able to recognize that I was wrong. I have been trying to blame my wife for everything when it has all been me. In light of everything that happened I wrote an email to my wife that contained the following things

1.      An honest admission of my blaming her for everything(I’ve excused almost all of my past actions since being married on her being emotionally abusive) and how that has been, still is, and always will be wrong.

2.      The three things that have been revealed to me as the 3 keys to recovery. By doing these 3 things I believe that everyone and anyone will become sober. So long as they are done honestly and earnestly.

            I was wrong and I have been wrong. I have blamed you for emotionally abusing me in our marriage. That is a lie, you have not done such. I was wrong to have done that and thought that. I received a confirmation from the spirit that night after I yelled at you that I have been wrong about everything. I have been blaming you for emotionally abusing me when the truth is, I was emotionally abusing myself. I have been emotionally abused for a greater portion of my life, but it has all been self-inflicted. The spirit testified to me of this just as clearly as the time that I received an answer about whether The Book of Mormon is the work/word of God or not. This was a very strong and undeniable impression for me (both about The Book of Mormon and how I have been wrong in blaming others and mainly you). 

            Here are the things that I will do going forward:

1.      I will continue to work the 12 step program with a sponsor. (found mine at arpsupport.org and is absolutely amazing!!!)

a.      Doing step work everyday

b.      Daily journals sent to sponsor each night that review the day

c.      Attend at least 2 meetings per week (Thursdays at 7:00 pm[ARP] and Saturday’s[SA] at 7:30 am)

d.      Reading scriptures daily

e.      Daily prayer

2.      I will reach out to other people each day

a.      Specifically I will talk with a minimum of 2 people every day but reach out to at least 3 to 4 people each day. (Sometimes people don’t call back so I will call four people and usually am able to talk to at least 2 of them). If I talk to the first two people that I call then I can text someone else as my third reach out.

3.      I will continue to turn my will over to God

a.      Constant and daily prayer

b.      Daily scripture reading for now until the habit is formed and I can turn it into daily study.

c.      Being introspective of myself and aware of the spirit’s presence or a loss of the spirit.

                                                    i.     Here I will continue to make realizations about myself and my addictions.

                                                   ii.     As the spirit is lost I will withdraw from the family as needed until I can regain that spirit.

As an additional note – these three things will help me to recover but to obtain a long and lasting recovery there will need to be more. Eventually one must establish a continual process of introspection as to why one may be losing the spirit at any given time. The tools that I have found from this came from a Dr. Skinner who is based in Utah I believe. He has some great tools for helping sex addicts and I think his tools paired with the 3 things above will provide for a long and constant sobriety.

Addict to Angel

Addict to Angel

      I having been struggling with sexual addictions for a great portion of my life and have only recently began to take actions to recovery. This is a tough road to travel, but it is my road. I have created my path and made the decisions to get me where I am today. I have lied, cheated, deceived, abused, blamed, hurt, and even devastated with m choices. I have physically altered my mind and my body with my choices. I have hidden and covered in the sewers of lust with the very chains of Satan. I have placed enmity between me and my God. I have done what any sane, healthy, or reasonable person would consider only the most vile of things yet I AM AN ANGEL! I have not been nor do I feel that I am close to where I am going to be, however, I am aspiring to be a force for good in helping others overcome their addicts. In order to do this I am recovering myself. I am seeking help from others who are in recovery(some more and some less than me, it doesn't really matter for me I just need to reach out). Yes I am still an addict but the scales have been unbalanced for too long(I've been 99% addict and 1% angel). I am working on balancing out the scales and even presings them over the edge though so that I can reach my goal of becoming 99% angel and 1% addict.

      This is my blog and my journey of TRANSFORMING FROM AN ADDICT TO AN ANGEL!

(http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2008/10/the-ministry-of-angels?lang=eng) read the 8th paragraph down(not including scripture that was quoted).

ps. I'm new to this blogging things I haven't figured out yet how to do the fancy things like set it up so that when you click on a word it takes you to link. But I'll get it eventually :) any help is appreciated though to.

Not my story

Not my story

      I am a Sexaholic/sex addict/whatever else you want to call it and this is my story. When I was about 9 or 10 years old I remember distinctly hearing a conference talk on pornography. A general authority shared an experience about when he was a young boy and he came across a dirty magazine. In effect he said, "I saw it, but listened to the spirit and didn't pick it up. I am grateful that I didn't because I don't know where I would be now if i hadn't done that." It was within three months that I had the same experience. However, I did not heed that spirit in my situation and my story is what his would have been if he had not heeded that spirit, as well as the story of many others who have not obeyed those promptings of the Holy Ghost at one time or another in their life(in relations to sexual addictions).

      I did walk past that magazine the first time I saw it but about one hundred yards later I turned around to get it. I was curious and excited but scared. As soon as I got back to it I threw it in my backpack. Not even two feet after that a member of my ward pulled up next to me and asked if I wanted a ride home, I said yes but felt awful for what I knew that I had in my bag. At the same time I was feeling excited because I was feeling all of these feelings of excitement and thrill for getting away with something, which I had never really done before! This was the beginning of my secret life, my second life. I remember going to a friend’s house before school and computers and internet were just becoming mainstream. We even found pornography there. Later on in life I would continue to find more and more, act out more and more, seclude myself more and more, as well as become a master con artist in hiding my emotions, thoughts, and true feelings about everything. I became so good that I even began to fool myself.

          I was confronted once as a kid about my addictions by my parents and even went to talk to my step-grandfather who was a psychologist. This did no good because I just lied to him over and over so he saw no problems other than the fact that my grades were slipping. So he developed a plan for me and did what I needed to so that I could get by, really what I did was become better at covering my tracks. I was just slipping deeper and deeper into my lies and performance of being a happy guy, when inside I was being tormented and suffering at the clutches of my own hands and eyes. What a sad and sorrowful state that I lived in. I would act out and then cry and plead with God then promise to never do it again! This was nearly a daily routine. I had isolated myself by this point and began to feel like I couldn’t talk to anyone, but this was a lie that I see now, I did enjoy acting out and I didn’t know how to live without it at this point so I didn’t want to talk to anyone else about it. I CHOSE(not my mom, dad, step parents, or anyone else) to continue in my addictions. This was my choice then and still was my choice. There is no one to blame anymore but me.

          Back to my story. My senior year of high school I began to dump my friends and really get into the gospel. My older brother had served a mission and was going to be returning at the end of my senior year. I adore my older brother and wanted to do exactly everything he did. So I began to prepare to serve. I read my scriptures, I prayed, and I even did my home teaching! I remember meeting with my stake president and bishops. I told my stake president about my problems, but we pressed forward. I then put in my availability date for a date that was not what I wanted. My older brother was getting married and my mom told me I had to stay. And that I couldn’t leave until after then. I was mad and felt the spirit that this wasn’t right, but I CHOSE to do otherwise and so I STAYED for my brother’s wedding. I did well during this time between receiving my mission call until about 2 months before I left. I was going to the temple all the time but I had slipped back into my addictions. Before I left on my mission I spoke with my stake president one more time, but this time I lied and couldn’t admit that I was struggling again. I didn’t want to not be able to go and be the talk of the whole stake about why I wasn’t going on my mission and have people whispering about it, so I CHOSE to lie. I did great for about a year and a half on my mission then fell back into my addiction. At the time I was a zone leader and our zone went from doing great to doing nothing. My mission president was inspired and asked me, Elder HOW IS YOUR WORTHINESS? I confessed and it felt great, but it still didn’t fix me and I struggled the rest of my mission.

          Upon returning home I tried to really kick my habits on my own. I talk to my bishop about it eventually but by then was dating an amazing girl who became my wife J! My bishop told me not to worry about my challenges because they would go away once we were married, of course I totally bought into that. No sex addict(not in true recovery) would turn that rationalization down, that’s my problem I just need to have sex, Of course that will fix everything! (there’s my one rant, that bishop is a great man, just not educated about sexual addictions like many other bishops, and this is a problem that I hope to help change in any way that I can). I had told my wife before we got married that I had a small challenge with pornography but we did not think much about it after the council I had received from my bishop and similar things from others.

          Dating my wife was amazing, I had never been so honest before with anyone. However, after we were married and things got any little bit challenging I would pull back and become a victim. I did this for a long time, so much so that I began to feel like she was the problem and that she was emotionally abusing me (read about this here). I have realized since that I am wrong in my thoughts. It got to the point though that my wife began to work on herself and improve herself and attend 12 step meetings for support for another loved one that she has that also is an addict(to other things). I eventually began to attend the support meetings as well. They were amazing meetings and I had never seen anything like it! I eventually started attending the church’s ARP meetings for myself under the disguise of something else that I had to work on, but secretly was going for my pornography and masturbation addictions, I even shared this to the group, but my wife had no idea still.

There was a weekend that changed everything for me. My wife was out of town and I acted out and suffered all weekend on my own, it was awful! When she got back I was so sad and disappointed that I took it out on her. She saw this and felt it. One night after a couple of days she asked HOW IS YOUR WORTHINESS?(no freaking way is probably what you’re thinking, I know my wife and I think the same thing). She asked the same question that my mission president did! This has been since August of 2012 and have since been on a very very slow path to recovery. I have even worked steps 1-3 with a sponsor then gave up at step 4. I am still in recovery and have since restarted my steps with the same sponsor and am currently progressing through step 4. However this is not my story, this is truly the beginning of my journey to recovery.

ps. this is not everything, there is so much more and I could/have done that. if you want to know more please just ask.