Just this last Saturday I went to the local
SA meeting. It was my 60th day of sobriety from sex with self and
continual victory over lust(and objectification). I was very torn of whether or not to even
take to the 60 day chip from the program. It was very exciting the first time that
I went and I was able to get a chip for 24 hours. It is quiet strange though
now to get to this point of 60 days and wonder if I want the stupid chip or
not. So I battled back and forth of whether or not to take the dumb thing. I battled
whether or not I would even share with anyone else there that I had reached the
60 day point of sobriety in my recovery. I felt torn because I was proud.
However, I have seen that the 60 days really doesn’t mean anything.
I remember hearing a story of a man
that got his one year chip of sobriety. He took it home to his wife and she
told him that she could shove that chip where sun doesn’t shine (basically). I thought
that was pretty heartless and mean, because that chip meant everything to that
man. It is hard to understand this whole situation from everyone’s different point
of views. Here is a man that struggled to remain sober his whole life and has
finally achieved a year of it and not only did he do that, but he received some
recognition and validation for what he had done. Crazy to think that only a
silly little chip could mean so much to that man, honestly that chip is
worthless to anyone else that isn’t in a recovery program. They probably couldn’t
even resell it in any way if they wanted to. However, to that man it was a
representation of HIS blood, sweat, tears, prayers, humility, determination,
and righteous desires. It was a small token and gesture that he earned and paid
more for than anything else in his life! It cost more to him than his entire
home, cars, or other fancy earthly possessions. At one point he was even losing
his family I’m sure, but that price has been recovered with his new found life
and sobriety.
On the other hand we have the wife’s
point of view. He has taken years away from her life. She has probably seen
more of his ups and downs than she ever thought she would have to experience. Here
is a woman that is still motion sick from all of these ups and downs. Here is a
woman that has invested so much and been given so little in return. Here is a
woman that has stood strong for the years that he hurt and betrayed her.
However, no one ever gave her any chip. No one ever gave her any recognition for
what she has accomplished. I’d imagine that for wives of addicts everywhere
they are somewhat excited for their husbands to be in recovery, but honestly
the days of sobriety just don’t matter. Honestly, who cares? What does 60 days
of sobriety mean if there still isn’t any visible change? Who cares if he
attends meetings? Who cares if he is going through the 12 step program? I don’t
know that any of these things really matter because we live in a fast paced
world and all that really matters are the results. That is all that we want in
our lives, results. We want to see the change. We want to see the differences
that are long lasting. We don’t want some little firework show in recovery damn
it! We want a roaring bon fire that just keeps growing and growing until it
consumes everything around it and continues to grow without end! We don’t want
some stupid chip that says that someone has been sober for a certain amount of
time because time has already been lost! Time has been taken and it can’t be
given back. Something so precious and valuable beyond our understanding,
virtue, has been devalued and trampled on by pigs who take no thought for the
value of what is under their feet. Men, we have hurt these sisters in ways that
unless we pray and ask for that miracle of understanding, we will never know
such a pain. Unless we seek to feel and find that truth, we can’t fathom the
damage, heart ache, and fear that we have put into these women’s lives. No we are
not bad men, but yes we have been to the depths of hell and dragged the virtue
of women there, we have sunk the lives our wives by allowing the fiery darts of
the adversary into our lives. However, there is HOPE! It is our savior and our
Heavenly Father’s promise that through him we can be restored in this life. It
is a promise that others have as well if they turn to him. Just like our wives
can’t save us, we can’t save them. Just as they can’t heal us, we can’t heal
them.
I accepted that 60 day chip the
other day. I even told my wife about it. I was somewhat excited, but sad at the
same time because I DON’T WANT A DAMN CHIP ANYMORE! Instead I want to find
financial security so that I can provide for my family, I want my wife to be
able to trust me again without ever having to doubt (this may not ever happen, I
don’t know), I want so much more than what I have. I must be patient though
because it is not about what I want. Truly it is about what God wants. Whether
that entails financial security(according to my terms) or not, I don’t know yet.
I do know that God does desire for me to return to him, he does want me to be
his faithful servant, and he does want me to bring my whole family back as
well. I accepted that chip last Saturday and I have continued to battle over
what it means if anything for me since there has been no consistent visible
changes of action. I do know that it is a stepping stone to where Heavenly
Father wants me to be and that is great but really it is not near as fulfilling
as it will be when I can feel and receive a validation from the one that I love
so much even though I have hurt her worse than anyone else. It is all sad with
glimmers of hope, but it is not the end….. to be continued with more thoughts.
Here, here. I sense your feelings in this post. I get your points. Yes, the chip itself is useless, but yes, it represents alot of patience and hardwork. But yes, we've done so much damage to others and ourselves...way more than 60 days worth or even 600 days worth.
ReplyDeleteBut we gotta share! I hope you gave hope to the guy that is struggling with 6 days. I for one am a chronic and compulsive addict. I am gaining momentum now but I am bombarded all the time. You ought to follow up with a post that discusses how you made it those 60 days. I think the viewpoint better...I was sober 60 times, one day at a time. It isn't one chunk of 60 days.
And yes, a change of heart and attitude is the goal, but gosh that takes time. All of this takes so much damn time. But WE CAN'T LIVE ANY FASTER! Man, I hate all the damage too and lost opportunities, but we lost it. it's gone. We can't get it back. We all have to move on. We just have to.
Wow, what a powerful post. Hang in there and keep pressing forward. I am a firm believer that COMPLETE HEALING is possible through the atonement of Jesus Christ. The atonement is infinite, so that must include addiction. There doesn't have be a struggle the rest of your life. Christ can heal you and your wife, and all the darkness this has brought into your life can be turned into light, and on the other side of this challenge will be greater joy than you thought possible! Have hope! Christ descended below all things to rise above all things (D&C 88). I am not your judge, but from what you said it sounds like you have gone pretty low. Have hope that you can now go higher on the light side than you were lower on the dark side. Does that make sense? The rest of your life is in front of you, the best of your life is in front of you.
ReplyDeleteI share some insights and tools on my blog that may be helpful for you in your journey. Go to http://wholesomelives.wordpress.com - read the article "Why you can't stop once you start" and see one of the main reasons addiction is so hard. Be prepared to think outside the box. With the right tools and Christ's mercy it doesn't have be so hard. You can be free, sooner than you think.
God bless you!
Arden