Blame Game and three things to help any addict succeed

            The other day my wife and I went and met with the counselor. It was going well and the general counsel was that I need to take responsibility for my actions and the consequences that have come from that. I thought okay, but I knew that I needed to talk to the counselor alone so I asked my wife to leave. As I spoke with the counselor alone I started to unleash and point out to him different things that my wife has done and how she’s still being emotionally abusive to me. In conclusion he felt like he understood and he agreed with me(but he was wrong). So we decided that I would write her a letter about what I was observing and how I felt that I would basically accept responsibility for some things and not everything. This is not what the counselor and I determined, but looking back I can see that this was my goal in telling him the things that I did and it was also my goal in deceiving him to believe that my wife had major issues too and she need to be put in her place.

            Long story short, I didn’t write the letter, instead I talked to her right after we left the counselor. From there I ended up yelling and cussing at her how everything was her fault still and that I’m doing the best that I can. She cried and pointed out the truth that I was still blaming her. At this point I wasn’t too happy because I thought she totally missed the point of what I was saying. We both left in different vehicles, which is crazy because initially we were going to ride over together. I was able at this time to talk with a dear friend(after calling the counselor right away and thinking your advice sucks and then also calling my bishop, amazing man!). My dear friend helped me to talk things out. After our talk I was able to recognize that I was wrong. I have been trying to blame my wife for everything when it has all been me. In light of everything that happened I wrote an email to my wife that contained the following things

1.      An honest admission of my blaming her for everything(I’ve excused almost all of my past actions since being married on her being emotionally abusive) and how that has been, still is, and always will be wrong.

2.      The three things that have been revealed to me as the 3 keys to recovery. By doing these 3 things I believe that everyone and anyone will become sober. So long as they are done honestly and earnestly.

            I was wrong and I have been wrong. I have blamed you for emotionally abusing me in our marriage. That is a lie, you have not done such. I was wrong to have done that and thought that. I received a confirmation from the spirit that night after I yelled at you that I have been wrong about everything. I have been blaming you for emotionally abusing me when the truth is, I was emotionally abusing myself. I have been emotionally abused for a greater portion of my life, but it has all been self-inflicted. The spirit testified to me of this just as clearly as the time that I received an answer about whether The Book of Mormon is the work/word of God or not. This was a very strong and undeniable impression for me (both about The Book of Mormon and how I have been wrong in blaming others and mainly you). 

            Here are the things that I will do going forward:

1.      I will continue to work the 12 step program with a sponsor. (found mine at arpsupport.org and is absolutely amazing!!!)

a.      Doing step work everyday

b.      Daily journals sent to sponsor each night that review the day

c.      Attend at least 2 meetings per week (Thursdays at 7:00 pm[ARP] and Saturday’s[SA] at 7:30 am)

d.      Reading scriptures daily

e.      Daily prayer

2.      I will reach out to other people each day

a.      Specifically I will talk with a minimum of 2 people every day but reach out to at least 3 to 4 people each day. (Sometimes people don’t call back so I will call four people and usually am able to talk to at least 2 of them). If I talk to the first two people that I call then I can text someone else as my third reach out.

3.      I will continue to turn my will over to God

a.      Constant and daily prayer

b.      Daily scripture reading for now until the habit is formed and I can turn it into daily study.

c.      Being introspective of myself and aware of the spirit’s presence or a loss of the spirit.

                                                    i.     Here I will continue to make realizations about myself and my addictions.

                                                   ii.     As the spirit is lost I will withdraw from the family as needed until I can regain that spirit.

As an additional note – these three things will help me to recover but to obtain a long and lasting recovery there will need to be more. Eventually one must establish a continual process of introspection as to why one may be losing the spirit at any given time. The tools that I have found from this came from a Dr. Skinner who is based in Utah I believe. He has some great tools for helping sex addicts and I think his tools paired with the 3 things above will provide for a long and constant sobriety.