HELLow

I have no particular order for writing these things that I am writing but am addressing topics as they come to my mind and as I continue to live through more life experiences.

To my Brethren:

            I wish for you to know that you are not alone. There are others who have treaded this very path that you are on. Some have made it and realistically some have not. Even more truthfully there may be more that have not made than those that have made it. My purpose in stating these things is found in my post title HELLow.

            As I continue to struggle through recovery do the things that I thought were helping me recover I heard many people comment about hitting a “low”. I even had my sponsor use the term as well as other addicts and support persons (bishop and counselors). I began to wonder, what is my low? Have I hit my low? How will I know when I have that low? What have been other people’s experiences with their lows and how do they know that the particular experience they had was a low? Etc. honestly I could go on forever with the questions!

            My low did not come on a single day or in the form of a single event. My occurred from a Friday (possibly even sooner if you want to get real nitty gritty, like Tuesday) and lasted all the way through the weekend and finally had its pinnacle and culmination on a Wednesday morning/afternoon. The finale to my HELL, which was also my low(hence the title HELLow – clever, I knowJ) ended with my KEYS TO RECOVERY (I will share these on a later date and other experiences with such).

            I knew that I had hit my low for several different reasons:

1.    I wanted to die.

a.     This is not a normal or common everyday thought for most people. This does not mean that you are bad for having this thought but rather there is something that is wrong in your mind that needs some attention and trouble shooting.

2.    I was becoming willing to change.

3.    I was accepting responsibility for my actions and the consequences of them(totally cut off from my wife and children – no seeing or talking to them until my wife and I could meet with a counselor together)

4.    I was feeling my pain

5.    I was seeking for more, better, deeper solutions.

a.     I was finally hearing what things were being shared by other recovered addicts instead of just going to the meetings and saying “oh, okay! That’s a great idea maybe I’ll try that sometime!” then just forget about it and move on. Or I also found myself trying things but never really believing that they’d work for me.

6.     I am not unique in my addictions.

a.     Nor do I have the corner on the market for worst or most challenging life ever (I believe that most challenging life goes to my man Job). Think your life sucks and couldn’t get any worse, then do a little brushing up and read the book of Job in the bible.

I have a little more to write about this but will post this for now in hopes of it reaching anyone that may need it until I can get more down about this HELLow.